We all want to be able to control our emotions because we want to get rid of negative feelings, and because emotions sometime lead us to do regretful things. It seems that emotions and reason are different so we often divide ourselves into two seperate parts. We identify ourselves with the rational part, while seeing emotions as something instinctive that needs to be controlled.
When we notice negative emotions arising around a particular issue, we may want to change how we feel about it. We spend time learning about psychology and finding ways to regulate our emotions. We apply theories, follow advice, practice exercises, and adopt various techniques in the hope of gaining a sense of self-control. But is it not true that the more desperately we try to suppress and regulate our emotions, the more strongly they push back? And is it not true that those efforts often lead only to more frustration and a deeper sense of helplessness? Perhaps the theories and exercises we practice make us feel in control while we are practicing them, but when we face the complexity of real life, emotions and instincts still seem to remain beyond our grasp.
When we are sad, we want to cheer ourselves up, we seek distractions, and while distracted we may feel less sad, but it often returns as soon as we resume our daily lives. When we are angry, we want the anger to disappear, we try to convince ourselves that we should not be angry and should let it go, yet the anger resurfaces every time we think about the issue. When we are anxious, we want to calm down, we take deep breaths, challenge our fears with logic, and force ourselves to think positively, yet the more we think about the issue, the more tense we become. Most people have gone through experiences like these many times. There are reasons why things unfold this way, yet we rarely pause to investigate them. Instead, we focus entirely on obtaining what we want: control. We do not observe why we are unable to control ourselves in the first place. As a result, we repeatedly encounter the same struggles and the same suffering born from this pattern of action.
So why is emotional control so difficult? Why doesn’t the heart listen to the brain?
To understand this, we need to seriously question an assumption we take for granted: that emotion and reason are two separate things, that emotion is instinctive, random, and illogical, while reason is logical, systematic, and free from emotion. Is this actually true, or have we simply accepted it without examining it? For anyone who has not deeply explored this question, the most honest answer may be: “I don’t know.” And it is from that place of not knowing that genuine inquiry can begin.
When we feel anxious about something, the anxiety arise from images in our minds of what might happen if things go against our wishes or fail to meet our expectations. With new experiences or unfamiliar situations, this is a natural response. However, when we have not fully worked through an experience and understood the issue, the anxiety remains stored in the mind, and every time we think about it, those images bring back with them the feeling of axiety. These thoughts give rise to physical expressions of anxiety: a racing heart, trembling hands, shallow breathing, and so on. These outward signs are easy to notice, and from noticing them arises a desire to control what we see. We want our heart to stop racing, our hands to stop shaking, our breathing to settle, and our anxiety to disappear. From this desire emerge thoughts and actions aimed at achieving what we want or eliminating what we dislike. We take deep breaths to calm ourselves, try to think positively, convince ourselves that the worst-case scenario would be acceptable, or look for ways to feel more confident and less anxious.
We often regard the thoughts and actions that arise from the desire to eliminate emotional symptoms as rational, objective, and free from emotion. The arguments we use to challenge the “irrationality” of our feelings are considered logical reasoning, untouched by bias. Yet fundamentally, the desire that gives rise to an emotion and the desire to control that emotion operate in the same way. In the example above, the source of anxiety and the source of the effort to eliminate anxiety are essentially the same. Reason is not separate from emotion. Although they may appear different at a given moment, both are expressions of the same movement of the mind.
Emotions are outward expressions of inner desires. The actions we take in an attempt to control emotions may cool down their outward expression for a short period. However, if we stubbornly use what we consider logical arguments to eliminate feelings that already exist within us, we inevitably create new negative emotions when those efforts fail. Why? Because the desire to change the expression of our inner problems creates inner conflict. On one side is the emotion—the natural response we have toward an issue. On the other side is the desire to change that emotion and alter the way we think about it. This internal division does not resolve the problem. It only adds more complexity, more struggle, and more suffering.
Attempts to change our inner state merely create the appearance of change, and that appearance lasts only as long as we continue investing energy in maintaining it. Beneath those efforts, our underlying desires and natural responses remain unchanged. And as long as the root of an emotion remains in the mind, the repetition of the problem is difficult to avoid. This is why true inner change is difficult without a deep understanding of how the mind operates. More often than not, we find ourselves trying to change, only to discover that nothing fundamental has changed at all.
We do not change because we do not truly understand what we are trying to change. We fail to understand it because we are always focused on changing it. As a result, we never simply observe it just to understand.
Emotions do not listen to reason because, at their core, both are movements of the same mind. And this movement does not bring about genuine inner transformation. Real inner change comes from understanding. Yet we cannot truly understand ourselves if we view ourselves only through the image of who we think we should be. We do not understand the roots of our emotions because we focus solely on managing, correcting, distracting ourselves from, or avoiding them. We have rarely looked at our emotions without an ulterior motive, nor have we given them our full attention. We consider emotions irrational because we have not understood their logic, and because we constantly judge them through the lens of what should and should not be.