We know that inner conflict exists in each person’s mind because we feel the negative emotions and see the negative actions it brings. When looking inward, it feels as if there are opposing parts within us, parts that try to change, correct, argue with, and reject one another. This conflict brings confusion, frustration, disappointment, and self-hatred.
We don’t like those unpleasant feelings and the negativity in how we treat ourselves, so we try to find ways to escape inner conflict. We try to follow advice that tells us to love and accept ourselves instead of criticizing and rejecting ourselves. We attempt to fix negative emotions and look for ways to “heal the soul.” But do these actions actually dissolve the conflict within us, or are we just clinging to things that bring positive feelings to compensate for negative ones? Are we simply avoiding the problem and hoping the conflict won’t return? Do these actions help us understand the root of inner conflict?
As long as we don’t understand the root of inner conflict, we will keep acting in ways that generate conflict, and as a result, it will persist despite all of our efforts to change, fix, or compensate. Seeing the root of conflict directly within the mind will change how a person views and interacts with themselves.
When does inner conflict occur?
Inner conflict arises when we notice something about ourselves that does not match our desires, expectations, wishes. What displeases us may be our actions, behavior, words, thoughts, desires, emotions, or attitudes. When reality doesn’t align with what we want, the mind reacts to that difference. These reactions may be thoughts and efforts to reshape ourselves into the image we desire. They may be rationalizations or explanations to justify our actions. They may be self-blaming thoughts or actions of self-punishment. These responses are often accompanied by negative emotions.
Why does inner conflict exist?
Is it because there is a “good” part and a “bad” part within us; and the good part strive for what is noble and virtuous, while the bad part leans toward what is ordinary, instinctual, and selfish; and we are the good part, while the bad part is something to eliminate; and we—the good part— must always try to change or eliminate the not-good part so that we can evolve? Is this idea actually true? Or is it just stories we tell ourselves to feel that we are doing something meaningful with our lives?
What is the relationship between us and what we want to change?
At its core, both the desire to change ourselves and the thing we want to change are actions of the mind. What are those actions? The mind records what it considers valuable and pursues images stored in memory.
Naturally, the mind remembers things that bring pleasant or unpleasant feelings. From these records, we seek what feels good and avoid what feels bad. This begins with basic physical needs like food, shelter, safety and extends to more complex desires such as material possessions, relationships, experiences, anything that brings additional pleasurable feelings that we have the opportunity to encounter.
Desiring things from the external world, to some extent, may not cause much trouble. But becoming absorbed in the pursuit of pleasure will certainly does. Recognizing this, we create expectations about ourselves and pursue internal goals to gain benefits from them. We want to behave according to an ideal; we want to have positive self-image, deep emotions, things we believe will add value, depth, and meaning to life. Our environment strongly shapes the images of what we consider good or bad. Advice, teachings, standards, and self-images, when repeated often, become embedded in memory. Then, when we look at ourselves, these stored ideas are brought up to react to what we are facing. In that moment, we are seeing ourselves through ideas, opinions, desires, expectations, advices, and standards we hold about ourselves. This is where conflict begins.
We notice that we spend too much time on our phones and want to stop, so whenever we see ourselves using the phone or feel the urge, we try to suppress and correct ourselves. We see that we are insecure, fearful and want to be confident, so whenever we notice insecurity, we become dissatisfied and try to appear confident to hide our weakness. We see that we are bound by many things in the external world and want to let go, so whenever we notice mundane desires, we treat them as enemies and try to suppress them. We see that we are not as good as ideals described in books, and we want to become like those we admire, so we try to eliminate actions we consider bad and do more of what we consider good. All of these efforts create inner conflict.
The mind holds many desires, and often they contradict one another. A person’s inner world would not accumulate conflict IF the desires we have about ourselves could eliminate the desires already present within us. We would live in harmony with ourselves IF our expectations could transform us into the person we desire once and for all. But that is not the case. A desire about ourselves cannot eliminate another desire; it can only temporarily suppress it. To meet our expectations, we must constantly try to adjust our actions, and expectations only lead us back to expectations. Pursuing desires and expectations about ourselves is an endless journey. And the achievements we gain along this path are only superficial and temporary.
A person who lives and acts according to doctrines will experience inner conflict. The more time one spends trying to mold and change themselves to fit a certain standard, the more inner conflict they will face. Desires about ourselves create inner conflict, and they will continue to do so until we directly observe the root of that conflict within our own mind and understand what we are doing to ourselves. When we look at ourselves without desires, opinions, or judgments, conflict will not be present, because then we are simply observing without trying to change what we see.